There is always something to be grateful for. That is why I added counting the things I am grateful for as a daily practice, mainly to develop a more positive outlook. This has helped me a lot. I was able to see all the positive things I could be grateful for, even when it didn’t feel like that on the surface.

Lately though, I have accessed a different level of gratefulness. It seems as if I am finally embodying what gratitude is—embodying it as I could sense it in each of my cells. Something that is not just cognitive. Something that does not mean the absence of worry or bad days. But instead, something constant. An overwhelming feeling of being connected to something higher, something powerful, something that brings me peace and hope and fuelled me with love. My heart sometimes feels so full that a little nothing could make me happy cry.

I remember the times I was drowning in anxiety. I remember having some peaks of joy, but sorrow was a constant.

“Will I ever feel whole again?” I asked my therapist one day. “I am putting in the work, trying all these tools, therapy, coaching, meditation, studying, and pushing myself really hard, but still there is this ….  nothingness. My mind is driving me crazy, and I am exhausted from trying to make things make sense and feeling all these feelings. ”

The thing with depression is that it sucks the Life out of you. From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, I would feel a pressure on my chest and a void in my heart. Everything was a struggle. Waking up was a struggle. Taking a shower was a struggle. Even the most uncomplicated daily routine seems too difficult to accomplish. So I learned to numb myself to avoid constantly feeling the burden and to push through regardless of the void in my heart.

Knowing that, my therapist gave me this answer: “I know it is hard. I commend you for doing all this work because it is not easy to face all the things you’ve learned to numb for so long. Slow down if you need to. But I encourage you to keep going. One day, it will all make sense. You will look back and thank yourself for pushing through.

And she was right! Things have come full circle. I can now look at that time in my life from a new perspective.

The burden in my chest and the void in my heart disappeared. It feels like I have been on a journey, not knowing where I was heading, but I kept planting seeds along the road, doubting that they could germinate under this arid soil—but kept doing it because, you know, what else? One day, without noticing, I looked back, and there was a forest!

It feels like a meal that takes a long time to cook. Something that need to simmer for hours to allow all the ingredients and spices to come together; a potion, that needs the right amount of time and combination for you to rob all its benefits.

I am aware that life didn’t magically become easier. I just got better at noticing when I am dysregulated and unlearning how to numb myself. The wilder the dysregulation, the deeper the pain, and the more profound my abandonment. However, I am entering these new phases with more knowledge about myself and a valuable toolbox to support me when things get complicated. I have learned to know what tools to pick and when. I have learned patience. I have learned how to protect myself and recognize safety.

This feels spiritual. it seems as knowing the depth of sorrow has simultaneously unlook the key to access beatitude in way.

Indeed, I am grateful. I am grateful to see beauty in the ordinary and to find joy in the simple things. I am grateful for the peace that resiliency has brought me. I am grateful to notice all the strength behind my vulnerability. I am grateful that my children, the love of my life, and my close ones get to experience this version of me. It feels good to be her. It feels good to be whole again.

” If you are brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello!” Paolo Coehlo