Having a supportive social network is the most important marker of health in an individual (physical and mental); One’s ability to form relationships also has a significant impact on one’s self-esteem. However, developing new relationships as an adult is not an easy task. Being a parent does not make it any easier. Being an immigrant in a COVID and post-COVID era brings another set of challenges to that equation. Above all these challenges is the difficulty of building a social network while confined in an environment dominated by an ex-husband.

The difficulty stands not only because it makes it hard for people to formulate an unbiased idea of me, an independent idea of me that is not linked to the fact that I am his ex-wife, but also because my ex-husband picks a sudden interest in the people I try to build relationships with, knowing that due to the nature of our relationship, it will make it hard for me to feel comfortable around them.

For a long time, this made me feel fearful and hesitant to socialize. But my children were missing out on social life. They were criticizing me for never planning playdates, so after being isolated for a while, I decided to try and create a few relationships with parents at my kids’ schools.

Instead of starting fresh, I took the initiative of reaching out to two women I had previously known. Coincidently, my ex started showing more interest in developing relationships and wanting to plan playdates with their kids. One of the women intuitively figured out what was going on and prioritized playdates with me without the need for me to have her insight into what was happening. The other, even though she noticed and shared with me strange behaviour from my ex, decided to play the game regardless. I faced two options: Try to have a conversation with her or burn this bridge without even trying. The second option is what I have done before, to avoid sharing some details of my life, but it has contributed to my label of being difficult, asocial, you name it. So, I went for the first option.

When I feel passionate or vulnerable about a subject, my emotion tends to take hold of me and make me lose coherence when speaking. Because of that, writing has always felt easier for me compared to speaking. Like, I am two different people when I write and when I speak. Consequently, I failed to express myself clearly when I reached out to her. I sensed annoyance and impatience from her during our call. She said that she would not take sides. I tried to explain that it wasn’t about taking sides but rather about safety and not contributing to another woman’s downfall. She said she needed to attend to something, promised to call me back and hung up. I left this conversation consumed by embarrassment and shame.

I can still recall the first time I got to speak to her. She greeted me by saying: “You are such and such ex-wife, right?” This is an example of how people in this social circle tend to approach me with preconceived notions of who I am. My identity seems to be limited to being an ex-wife, which is accompanied by a lot of biases. This arouses the urge to distance myself from an identity that no longer suits me.  I am more than just that one identity and I wish people would take the time to discover the other facets of my personality. In two other instances, I had a chance to interact with her and shared some of the challenges that I was having post-separation. Because of that, and because we share somewhat similar identities, I was under the false assumption that she would show a sense of loyalty toward me. I was wrong.

After this call, not only did she never call back, but I learned the day after that she organized more playdates with my ex with no consideration of what I was voicing. This left me once more feeling alone in a new country; I spent a lot of time investing in relationships that ultimately proved to be one-sided, unsupportive, self-centred, and superficial. I realized that although I had many connections, very few were reliable when needed. It made me want to clear out my phone and social media of present and past relationships of this nature. Which I did; it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

This woman eventually realized she was one of the people I removed from my social media. Only then do I finally deserve a reaction from her. Speechless, she said she was in her voice note. Indeed, she seemed more concerned about our social media relationship than the actual one. This world definitely makes no sense to me. The way people are more attached to virtual relationships than real ones is a phenomenon that deserves further examination.

She informed me that she found it inappropriate when I asked her to pick a side and considered it selfish of me not to prioritize our kids. While I understood her perspective, I also realized the need to prioritize my safety and well-being. I believe that my children deserve to have a healthy mother. Therefore, I cannot afford to have repeated interactions with people who choose to remain neutral in a situation that negatively impacts me. If she is not willing to consider this, I will have to make the decision for myself.

“Although I considered this event minor, it had an unexpected, overwhelming impact on me.”

It took me ten days to self-regulate. I experienced intense anxiety. I am familiar with anxiety, but this time, it felt too overwhelming. Part of it is also because it added to the stress I currently experience at school and the stress attached to the process of trying to buy a home. I experienced pain in my heart that made me think I was having a heart attack. This left me wondering why this event was affecting me so much when I felt it did not deserve so much of my energy.

It finally occurred to me that the situations that impact me the most are the ones that confront my most existential needs. I believe introspection is my default mode. I tend to think, analyze, and assess a situation from multiple angles and pay attention to how an event makes me feel. I have observed that I repeatedly experience certain emotions, such as anger and shame. I also notice that I have been at a dead end for a while since just being aware of my emotions is not enough by itself. The purpose of this awareness is not just to observe our emotions or to connect them to the messages they convey. This awareness prompts us to witness parts of ourselves that desperately seek recognition.

As humans, we all have fundamental needs rooted in our childhood experiences. While I won’t go into the details of my journey, I can say that when our caregivers do not meet these needs, we develop a worldview that impacts how we interpret life events and the meaning we attach to those events. Isn’t it interesting that the situations that make us feel the most vulnerable also seem to have the most potential for growth? It’s almost as if these experiences are designed to push us to our limits, to help us grow and become stronger.

I personally have:

The need for safety and protection

The need to be seen and to belong

Let’s break this down:

The need for safety and protection

It’s not easy to navigate life as a highly empathetic and sensitive person. Sometimes, our openness and compassion can attract those who might not have our best interests at heart. I am still weighed down by the trauma that they have inflicted upon me while getting the support I need to move forward. It hurts when people disregard your pain, leading to a constant need for safety and protection.

As a person, I also possess multiple identities that are not always easy to reconcile. I exist outside of societal norms in various ways, which requires a certain level of openness and curiosity to truly appreciate the nuances of my different identities.  As a result, I fear the consequences of being and expressing myself. Another reason that makes safety and protection a fundamental need.

The need to be seen and belong

I have often felt inadequate and misunderstood. This feeling has caused me to constantly seek validation and approval from others, which sometimes conflicts with my need for safety. My sense of self is complicated because it is built on past experiences and reinforced by them. I know being vulnerable is necessary to feel a sense of belonging. To be seen and heard, I must take risks and be open and honest about who I am. But it is a difficult balance to strike when rejection has often come as a result of me being vulnerable. The example above couldn’t illustrate it better.

As a result of my past experiences, I have developed a mindset that makes me believe that I am alone in this world, that I am hard to love, and that the world is unsafe.

It is crucial for our well-being to recognize and address our needs. However, it is essential to be aware that when our needs are met by distorted beliefs, they can lead to maladaptive behaviours that push us further away from genuine connections.

I was operating under distorted beliefs that:

• Safety cannot come from within, and I should solely rely on others for my safety.
• Everyone seeks to make new friends. Most people who already have their network are not interested in building new relationships.
• Most people value truth and depth. Most people are unwilling to confront the truth within them, even less the truth of others.
• Most people are equipped or willing to see the benefit of having difficult conversations and transcend the discomfort it brings. Most people are conflict-avoidant and prefer superficial peace.
• Most people would be able to understand the complexity, subtlety and insidiousness of psychological and post-separation abuse. I still operate in a community mindset in an individual society. People wouldn’t care any less about your issues.
• Carrying authenticity is easy in a world where performance and status are highly valued.
• It is my responsibility to elevate people’s discomfort: My hypersensitivity enables me to pick up cues about people without even trying, which can make people feel threatened and uncomfortable in my presence. A discomfort that I tend to internalize as my own

These false beliefs had influenced my behaviours as follows:

• I will bring my full self to every interaction I will have
• I will tend to justify and explain myself beforehand to elevate the risk or the discomfort of being misunderstood.
• I will explain to people what I was going through since it has had an impact on every aspect of my life
• I would translate mixed signals and incoherence from people as if there was something wrong with me
• I take it upon myself to make people comfortable when I sense discomfort.
• I am fully transparent in my relationship and seek clarity to avoid discomfort for myself and others.
• I have not learned to protect myself because I believed safety was an external source.
• I have not learned to trust myself. Things only strike me way too late when the harm becomes too apparent to ignore. Then I bit myself up for letting this happen.

With my new-found awareness, I am now able to adopt new values and make some changes in my life:

• I will no longer try to belong in spaces that are not interested in truth belonging. I give up forcing relationships and trying to find true belonging in people at the antipodes of my values and authentic self.
• I will not let loneliness make me lose myself in unauthentic relationships.
• I am reclaiming my energy as a valuable resource that I will use carefully and intentionally.
• I embrace solitude as a necessary part of my personal journey. I keep prioritizing time with my family and looking for opportunities to connect with my long-time friends abroad.
• I will explore what it would be like to have complete trust in myself and hold myself accountable for cultivating that trust.
• It is not my responsibility to make others comfortable at the expense of my well-being. I must question why I am the only person bothered by the discomfort.
• I am letting go of caring about what others think of me and instead focusing on building relationships with people genuinely interested in getting to know me on a deeper level.
• I strive to create a peaceful, loving family where safety and belonging are the most important values.

When I am trying to figure something out, I can be relentless in my pursuit. My process can seem intense and uncomfortable, especially for those who have not seen the positive outcome of it. I am grateful to the few who have given me the space to process my emotions and feelings, find clarity and move through difficult times. I  take pride in finally recognizing that being empathetic is a valuable trait. Rather than feeling ashamed of it, I now focus on learning and working with professionals who can support my awareness and provide me with the tools necessary to use this superpower in a way that better serves me.

The journey to reclaiming my identities is not easy and involves a lot of processes, but it ultimately leads me to find peace. Now, I feel like I have made it to the other side.

“Nothing in this life is wasted if you know how to use it properly.” Gabor Maté