Living in Canada made me uncover a truth about myself I hadn’t confronted before. I became aware of how much my sense of self and self-esteem relied on external validation. Upon arrival, I felt like a ghost, unnoticed and unseen in a crowd. I subconsciously craved status, recognition, and that feeling of being seen. In the absence of anyone else’s validation, I was forced to dig deeper, find the core of my being, uncover my true sense of self,  and clarify my identities. This led me to ask myself critical questions: Who is Rachel-Diane when no one is watching? Who am I without the applause, without the nods of approval? Beyond the desperate need to be seen, I discovered the necessity of acknowledging myself first and foremost. It is in that state of mind that I embarked on a journey to find my own reflection.

Initially, this journey began subconsciously when I got tired of suppressing aspirations that didn’t have anyone’s approval. I already knew what it was like when I did all that was expected from me or constantly tried to find a space in between: it felt like loss, unfulfillment and inner death. I was then faced with a pivotal ‘what if’ moment: if pain is on both paths, why not choose my own path?  I  found within me the courage to explore different parts of myself. Despite criticism, losses, mockery, and confusion from others, I stayed true to what felt right for me. » Even though it was challenging, I persisted and held onto the belief that my chosen path was authentically mine. »

The phase of exploration typically happens during a person’s twenties. But I can’t recall having explored my identities during that time. By age 30, I had completed all the expected milestones: marriage, kids, jobs, home, numerous financial responsibilities, and tons of pressure and expectations. Now approaching my forties, I have finally allowed myself to explore and remain open to possibilities. It was a personal reminder that it is never too late to rewrite the course of my life. 

Throughout this year and the end of 2022, I explored various forms of self-expression—indulged in writing, expressed myself through dance, refined my style, and captured moments through documentation. I challenged myself to be more outgoing, nurturing my mind, emotions, and intellect. I allowed myself to be guided by others (Therapy, coaching) and ended up committed to inner wisdom. I acknowledged and made peace with my shadows. I welcomed risks and opened my heart to love and commitment once more. I have learned the power of saying ‘no’ more often, taking steps back from certain relationships, and cutting ties to focus on nurturing more aligned relationships. I dedicated time to studying, cherished moments of solitude, and fearlessly voiced my opinions.

This year has been a journey of self-discovery, allowing myself to celebrate my femininity and masculinity. I embraced my sensuality without the weight of shame or self-consciousness… I revisited places I once called home, explored places I aspire to call future homes and reconnected with old friends through fresh perspectives.

Between cherishing moments with friends and family, I also experienced the heartache of losing a dear friend. Her death served as a poignant reminder of how short life is and how fast people move on once you’re gone. It reinforced the importance of living life authentically.

The primary goal was to understand the core of my essence, unfold the various identities I carried and have been enduring over time, and ultimately accept and embrace them once I have gained a  clear understanding. In that journey, I encountered parts of myself that had long been repressed, parts that seemed contradictory to one another, parts that I was afraid to embrace, and even facets that I hadn’t been aware of before. Additionally, I have discovered parts of myself that have always been there all along, but I was confused about their existence.

As someone with multifaceted identities,  I have often found it quite challenging to reconcile them. When a person’s sense of self is broken into parts that are not integrated, they also have a fragmented self. This could lead to loss, disconnection with oneself and even shame. When these aspects are integrated, it allows a person to move easily and coherently. In the silence of anonymity and fearless commitment to self, I found a whisper of self-assurance, a gentle embrace of my multiple identities, free from external measures of approval.

Moving forward, this is a declaration of integration and the affirmation of self:

I am a lover and a nurturer.

“When we see love as the will to nurture one’s own or another’s spiritual growth, revealed through acts of care, respect, knowing, and assuming responsibility, the foundation of all love in our life is the same. There is no special love exclusively reserved for romantic partners. Genuine love is the foundation of our engagement with ourselves, with family, with friends, with partners, with everyone we choose to love.”  Bell Hooks

I feel a sense of responsibility toward the advancement of humanity.  I experience peace, awe, and connection when in nature. I am at my best when experiencing consummate love. I have a deep sense of honour and reverence for being a mother. I need a family to nurture, a companionship to experience life with, and I yearn for a community in which true belonging is possible. I am no longer able to tolerate connections that are not genuine, nourishing, reciprocal or safe.

I am a highly sensitive person.

“ You cannot make everyone think and feel as deeply as you do. This is your tragedy because you understand them, but they do not understand you.” Daniel Saint

I am a deep person. Experiencing intense and complex emotions is part of who I am. I have deep feelings both in the highs and the lows.  Confronting, understanding and channelling them is necessary for my well-being. My highly sensitive and empathic nature makes me a creative and/or an artist. My need for self-expression is beyond the average. Aesthetics and beauty hold immense value to me; my environment reflects that. I thrive on freedom of self-expression and self-discovery.

I am a sensual woman.

“Sometimes a woman’s looks or sensuality are too readily wrapped up in their power.” Natalie Dormer

 I am grounded, present, and in touch with my physical surroundings and sensations. This aspect of my identity has been a source of concern. I used to worry that people might misinterpret it as an invitation when it’s merely my natural state of being and self-expression. It has also been a source of conflict with other women. Sensuality goes beyond mere sexuality. It allows me to feel whole in my body, connect to my intuition, and honour the body as another source of authority. Attracting attention through sensuality might be the by-product of how my senses resonate, but it’s not the goal.

I am a writer:

“ There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” — Maya Angelou

Writing has been an intrinsic part of who I am for as long as I can remember. Until very recently, I have never considered it a skill to refine, an ambition or something. Writing to me is a necessity. Writing embodies my very existence. It is how I process my thoughts and make sense of the world around me. It flows naturally. Writing is a second nature.

I am a free thinker:

“Be a free thinker and don’t accept everything you hear as truth. Be critical and evaluate what you believe in.” —  Aristotle.

My thirst for wisdom and willingness to analyze and critique the world around me often earned me the labels of rebel or difficult.  My default mode is questioning norms, understanding when they become a prison, creating limiting beliefs, and pushing away genuine connection. I also have the natural ability to think on a broader scale and to see diverse perspectives. I am able to digest complex information and concepts and simplify complex ideas through my writing.

“Thinking is difficult, that is why most people judge”  — Carl Jung.

I am a healer:

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, can you see beyond the limitation of your lens?” — Rachel-Diane Epoupa

This aspect of my identity I need to cultivate and embody more. The journey of healing began within. I have lived multiple lives. I have confronted my biggest fears and insecurities and made peace with my shadow. This journey has allowed me to deeply understand others’ struggles rooted in empathy and compassion. I plant the seed for self-reflection and inspire people to introspect. When they are ready, I assist in dissolving inner conflict. People either leave me with a sense of hope or irritation when not prepare to confront themselves.  

A few weeks ago, a great friend reminded me of a quote I have been using for ages and ages without fully capturing and embodying the meaning behind it: “Be yourself, and the world will adjust.” I have used this quote in most of my social media. It was written as the image banner of this blog back in 2018:  » Reste fidèle a toi meme, le monde s’ajustera.” Sometimes, the soul knows way before we do.

As I am sitting here self-reflecting about the year that has just passed, I can’t help but think what a profound year 2023 has been. It was less about the grand spotlight moments but more about internal growth, the quiet triumphs, the ones that go unnoticed. 2023 has been a journey filled with travels, both physical and emotional. The experiences and lessons have been abundant, shaping my path on my own terms. This year, I finally found the courage to be myself.

                                              Rachel-Diane.