We were deeply immersed in an extraordinary conversation, full of depth, compassion, and a profound feeling of being truly seen. Then, there was a pause, a moment of silence between us. Our eyes met briefly, and it felt like an eternity. I couldn’t help but notice what was happening within me. It was clear I wasn’t alone in this sensation. This was not affection. It was something more intense, like a burning desire. I was confused. Never before had I experienced such attraction to another woman – sexual longing deeply intertwined with emotional connection. And there I was, in a new cycle of introspection, asking myself, ‘Who am I?’

Until that moment, I was convinced that I was inherently heterosexual. However, this text is not about my sexual identity journey, which, for the most part, had not changed much in practice. Instead, it’s about sexual desire patterns. This interaction not only helped me uncover a hidden truth about my sexual identity, but it was also the starting point of a four-year journey that allowed me to identify two distinct patterns that have guided my sexual dynamics and attraction in the past.

Accessing Authenticity:

Sex has often been used as a tool for men to exert dominance and control over women. This is why many women choose to get to know their partner before engaging in sexual activity. However, even after taking precautions, some men can still deceive women. On the other hand, I didn’t want to waste my time waiting to discover someone’s true character. I believed intimate encounters could provide immediate insight into a person’s character, allowing me to gauge compatibility and authenticity in the relationship without wasting my precious time.

I was drawn to the raw authenticity that emerges during moments of intimacy; a chance to see people for who they truly are, beyond the masks we wear in everyday life . Naked, vulnerable and tripped of external accessories, we get to witness how individual  navigate the unexpected – new positions, unfamiliar environment, strange sounds, intense pleasure or even moments when things don’t go as planned. Are they still kind even when they are vulnerable? Are they able to maintain their apparent strenght, their perfectly polished maners? And perhaps most importantly, do we still hold significance to them? When we’re stripped down to our most basic selves, we access a level of authenticity that might otherwise remain hidden. Intimacy offers not just physical closeness, but can also offer a unique form of intellectual and emotional stimulation. Through my observations, I was also able to witness how some people maintain their integrity and respect, while others destroy it for fleeting moments of pleasure, convinced they took something from me, yet, they are unaware that the real insight, the deeper understanding, may very well have been mine all along.

I’ve never understood the unilateral Presumption that women are passive participants in sexual encounters. Beyond the insight we gain, there is something inherently liberating about moments of pure desire, unburdened by expectations or promises. In those unscripted moments, devoid of romantic pretense, there’s a clarity and honesty that I find immensely appealing. It’s about embracing the present moment, revealing in desire in its purest form, liberated from hope, fear about what lies ahead

Emotional Resonance:

Through my attraction to a woman, I came to understand what I truly wanted in my intimate relationships. It’s not about trying to seduce, impress or follow a preconceived script. Rather, it’s the surprising feeling of genuine intimacy, with a sexual component that emerges naturally. I find this type of connection incredibly desirable! Sex then is not just about physical pleasure, but about connecting with someone on a deeper level – down to our very flesh, our core – with a person who can celebrate and treasure our entire being.

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Lately, I have found myself becoming less interested in my usual patterns of behavior. I believe this may be due to changes in my desires and needs. In fact, I have even felt guilty about it at times. This is partly because I regret past actions that now I know were motivated by a yearning for intimacy, vulnerability, and authenticity. I have also come to realize that, in some cases, the desire I felt after a profound interaction was not tied to a specific person, but rather to the emotional state or connection we shared. I am also learning to respect others’ ways of being by recognizing their preferences and boundaries.

Every person’s life is shaped by their unique personal experiences, values, and beliefs, creating an individual path for them to navigate. While I may find strength and comfort in revealing myself and embracing vulnerability, it is perfectly acceptable for others to protect and conceal aspects of themselves. Authenticity is crucial for meaningful relationships, but it can be a complex concept that involves both strength and fragility. Although vulnerability can empower some individuals, others view it as a risk to be minimized or protected against. Both approaches are valid responses to the complexities of the human experience, particularly in a world that enjoys exploiting people’s vulnerabilities.

The old patterns, that used to trigger to my sexual desire, are starting to lose their appeal. If the importance of authenticity and specifically emotional resonance still holds value to me, I can now appreciate a profound connection in itself, and seat comfortably with the sexual desire when it arises, having the  deeper understanding of what truly fulfills them.

As I am becoming more connected to my inner self, I am also discovering more adaptive ways of achieving depth and vulnerability, starting with introspection and self-care including intellectual stimulation from academic pursuits.Lately, I have come to realize that immersive experiences such as travelling, exploring different places, being in nature, witnessing breathtaking landscapes, experiencing incredible works of art, and being in the zone while pursuing a creative endeavor offer equally and somethimes more fulfilling, authentic and profound experiences than human connections. While human connections can provide a profound sense of belonging, they can also be limiting as they are often intertwined with emotions, needs, unalignment and specific circumstances.

On the other hand, awe-inspiring experiences expand our perspective and humble us, reminding us of our small place in the vastness of the universe. Experiences of depth offer avenues for profound personal growth and understanding. Ultimately, it is about finding a balance between connecting with humans and recognizing that they are not the sole source of fulfilment.

”Be you, the world will adjust”

RD.