I’ve always been open about my complicated relationship with my mother. We haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a couple of years now. I recently had to make an impromptu trip to Cameroon in order to pay my final respects and lay my grandmother (my mother’s mother) to rest. This meant I knew I would likely run into her, which created some anxiety for me, my current state being one of low tolerance for chaos or drama. Thankfully, there was no drama. However, while I was there, I was reminded—sometimes even urged—to reconcile with my mother.

I’ve noticed that in a communitarian environment, there is often a strong aversion to distance, even if that distance creates a sense of balance. People generally prefer closeness, even if that closeness means putting on a facade for the sake of appearances or convenience. I often joke with myself that I’m too individualistic for a community setting and too communitarian for an individualistic one. However, the truth is that I love community. More than just appreciating community, I value a type of community where we can thrive, express ourselves, have agency, and avoid groupthink. But I digress.

Being in a relationship with my mother hurts me more than being apart. While there is pain associated with either choice, I believe in choosing the pain that safeguards my mental health. The pain I feel isn’t so much from not having her as a mother figure; I have learned to accept her limitations and have made peace with that. The deeper pain comes from my longing for a consistent mother figure—someone nurturing and protective. I also recognize that relationship requires two willing participants. My mother has shown no desire to grow in a way that honors our connection. Instead, she has doubled down on actions that hurt me, so I have to ask myself: what is left of this relationship?

I have experience different reactions to my situation : There are some people who just can’t make sense of how estrangement with a mother can happen. How can someone distance themselves from their own mother? This idea makes me smile because I’m glad for them—glad that they’ve never had to make such a difficult decision and that their relationship with their mother is safe and caring in a way that make it impossible for them to imagine estrangement. There are others who feel they didn’t show enough love and gratitude to their mothers when they were alive, and they transfer that guilt onto me. Then there are some who often threaten me with the idea that I would regret it if something happened to her, but they fail to understand two things. First, I wouldn’t feel responsible. And second, I’ve already grieved the loss of my mother—not in death, but in the role she could never fulfill in my life.

In reality, I am starting to lose patience with people telling me what is good for me, especially those who where absent and offered no support when I was struggling. I find it difficult to make space for their entittlement and I don’t understand why they think I owe them an explanation for my choices.  My peace is my own. I grew up thinking being nice was the way to be. The pressure to do what was expected of me—was once so overwhelming that I would surrender to it out of fear. I don’t feel compelled to be nice anymore. Being fair? Certainly. Being kind? Definitely. Leading with self-integrity? Absolutely—even if it means journeying alone at times. But everyone who demands niceness from, can officially fuck off!

If I’ve learned anything from this painful journey, it’s that you should never let people shame you into being something you’re not just to make them comfortable. Yes, some may threaten you with abandonment. Let them abandon you, as long as you don’t abandon yourself. Get used to solitude; you are already alone anyway—the only difference is that you are surrounded by noise. Often, the people who demand niceness from you are the ones who benefit from your lack of boundaries and self-esteem. Keep that in mind when loneliness hits you hard. Soon, they will realize that their threats aren’t working; you will rise despite their attempts to bury you in shame. You will shine regardless, and they will understand that all they’ve done is help clarify your path and identify who your true companions should be.

”Be you, the world will adjust”

R-D