Just wanted to share some thoughts after seeing someone ask in a forum: “How do we develop friendships as adults?”
It really made me reflect on my own journey with adult friendships.

When I first arrived in Montreal, I found myself in a space of profound loneliness, something I had never experienced before. I had just moved to a new country where I barely knew anyone, and then the pandemic hit. That isolation became even more intense. I couldn’t physically see or talk to people, and I felt alone, both externally and internally.

During that time, I started experiencing levels of anxiety, emotional heaviness, and even clinginess that I didn’t know existed in me. I had such a strong need to connect, to see people, to talk to someone. I was also going through some difficult personal issues, and it made me crave human connection even more.

So I actively tried to seek friendships. I really wanted to find my people. But what I learned is that even when your intentions are good, the energy of desperation can still come through. People can feel that, and often, they pull away or reject it—not always out of cruelty, but because it can feel intense or overwhelming. Kind of like in dating.

What helped me shift things was this:

• I started focusing on myself first. I gave myself the time and space to work through the anxiety and really get to know who I was in this new environment.
• I stopped chasing and started attracting. That meant doing the things I loved, showing up in spaces that aligned with my values and energy, and letting connections build naturally over time.
• I gave people room. I stopped putting pressure on every interaction to become a deep friendship, and that actually created more space for real, meaningful bonds to grow.

Over time, through repeated and often unplanned interactions—and just showing up consistently, I was able to build a few solid friendships.

Another part that made it a little more challenging for me was that I was looking for genuine and solid connections. Once I started settling more into myself, I made a commitment to refuse to let loneliness made me loose myself in unauthentic relationships. I didn’t want to feel like I had to constantly compartmentalize myself just to be accepted. I wanted friends who could welcome the whole, complex me, and that’s not always easy to find in adulthood. Trust takes time.

In my experience, being just a little bit vulnerable first helped open the door for others to do the same. It’s about testing the waters, sharing a bit, seeing how the other person responds, and slowly building trust from there, without forcing it.

So, to anyone out there feeling lonely or trying to make adult friends, this is my advice:
Work on building a life that feels full and aligned with who you are, and let friendship be something that flows into that, rather than something you chase out of urgency.

“Be you, the world will adjust”

R-D