I said to myself one day; that I would tell my divorce story.
But when I felt ready to do so, I couldn’t decide which story I wanted to tell.
If you’ve ever been on this journey, you will know that your feelings vary from one day to another. That the emotions you experience have an impact on the stories you tell yourself.
As for me, there have been so many stories about my divorce,
There has been the story of loss, the loss of what was built, the loss of what is and what could have been.
There has been the story of melancholia when my mind was playing on repeat the good times, the unforgettable memories, the hopes.
There have been stories of anger, so many of them. That feeling when you realize the worst that could happen when the “love” is gone. When you have to defend your dignity and set a tone for what you will no longer accept in the future.
There has been a story of frustration when you realize how much of a contract marriage is. When it is so easy to get married, but such a nightmare to get to sign that final paper. In those cases, marriage could feel almost like a prison as it is impossible to walk away simply. When kids are involved, you need to ask permission for everything. And all your most precious and worst moments are out there for strangers in the judiciary system to evaluate.
There is the story of depression when you’ve cried so much you do not even remember how to smile , when you are days away from your last shower, when your kids are the only reason, you keep going. When you imagine, you could die in your living room, and people will only notice it when your body starts to smell, when you consider the worst possible option to pay your debts and multiple lawyers’ bills.
There have been stories of confusion when you are forced to fight the person you love and once cherished more than anything, and most importantly, the person who gave me the most precious treasures: our children.
The same confusion when you realize the person you used to be is no longer here, but you don’t know who you are now, and who you want to become in the future.
When you wonder people’s agenda’s. Who is just curious and who truly care about what is happening to you and how you feel.
There is the story of loneliness. Looking for someone to see you, to believe you, to protect you, to cuddle you to fight with you. When you feel so lonely that you can help but talk about your issues to anybody who gives you a bit of attention.
There is the story of shame when you witness your own worst thoughts, the temptation to surrender to revenge, the mental fatigue, the numerous loss of temper, when you have to face accountability and acknowledge you own flaws, lact of awareness and responsibilities that has contribute to the divorce
When everyone looks at you with pity. When you witness your own incoherence, you see the distance between who you are and who you aspire to be. The long journey that is still awaiting you and how you used to be had conditioned you to so many unhealthy dynamics.
There is the story of abandonment, or when you discover who your true friends and family are. You notice who will be by your side in the darkest dark, who is happy to see you fail, put their feet on your head when you are already on the floor, and comfortable around you only at your best.
And there are the other stories; the stories of freedom and endless possibilities, the stories of resilience, growth, self-awareness, and rebirth.
How I was able to experience the depth of my strength
How I am redesigning my life from scratch
How I am falling in love with myself, slowly but surely creating a life that makes sense for me
How I am feeling more comfortable with the model I am becoming for my kids
How I am learning to speak up for myself and create healthierboundaries
How I am learning to recognize a safe place and to remove my armures when not needed.
How I am learning to lead with hope and to choose courage over fear and comfort